who am i???

sianzZz.. continuously sick.. haven recover yet sia.. cough every night.. feeling so lethargic every single day in camp sia.. today finally book out le.. finally got some time off from camp to do the things i like to do le..

indeed army took away 2 yrs of my life.. but now i realli start to wonder.. izzit a realli bad thing??? these few weeks i been asking myself many qns.. looking for many answers within mi.. wat do i realli wan in my life??? wat are the things that i realli wan in life??? i seriously dunno..

i realli dunno leh.. this seems to be some sort of identity crisis ba.. now i'm in middle of nowhere.. not studying, not in the society.. i realli start to wonder who i realli am.. wat am i as a person??? i realli dunno.. wat do i wan for my future??? wat are the things i wanna do in the future.. i have not planned or neither decided.. i realli dunno wat i want..

few days back got a scolding from my frend.. guess that was realli the call that woke mi my.. and to realli start thinking of my life le.. from wat i can see from the past weeks i guess i am realli changing back to who i am in the past liao le.. i guess i dun wan that to happen ba.. i am realli a bastard in the past.. but i realli hope i wun change back..

this feeling realli sucks.. i seriously got no clue on wat to do.. and i seriously got no clue to wat i am thinking about also.. i guess its now up to mi to decide le ba.. wat i realli wan in life.. and to realli reflect on the things i did.. hopefully i can realli give myself am answer real soon ba.. haizZz..

guess i will end here ba.. a little tired liao le.. maybe blog again next time ba.. flying off!!!

sick..

its such a great feeling to be able to book out after a week in camp every weekend.. but it isn't a good feeling to be sick during book out.. cough and cough, runny nose and having fever.. wat can be worse than this??? though i went out still.. but the cough is seriously killing mi.. arghhh.. this suxs..

finally completed FPC liao le.. course is finally over on friday.. does this mean life is going to get better??? i dunno.. but i guess not for mi.. cauz the review for my recent medical appointment wasn't good.. my blood pressure is going sky high.. and yet i am normal.. can run can jump can play.. haizZz.. wat is happening to my body??? izzit failing mi already???

i might be able to down pes soon.. might.. cauz of my blood pressure.. i am happy.. yet unhappy.. isn't that contradicting??? isn't that stupid??? down pes means my body is realli down le ba.. should i realli be happy??? i realli dunno.. so sianzZz sia this feeling.. i want to down pes yet i dun wan my body to fail mi.. haizZz..

realli dunno wat to say now sia.. dunno wat i am feeling also.. down pes can definitely give mi a much better life.. yet i wanna hold on to the brotherhood i had juz fostered with my platoon mates.. such mixed feelings sia.. haizZz.. guess i am juz stupid ba.. go and think of such stuffs.. sianzZz..

guess i will end here liao le ha.. dun wanna complain anymore liao le.. bl;og again sometime when i book out again ba.. waiting for 27th to come.. the moment of truth.. haizZz.. flying off..

i'm scared.. wat should i do???

haizZz...

did lots of cleaning up today.. washing field pack and uniforms.. my god.. it was crazy.. took 3 whole hours to finish washing away all the mud and dirt.. burnt my afternoon away sia.. late afternoon went joel's home.. hahax.. terry is still as adorable.. hahax.. kept chasing mi ard when i reached joel's home.. hahax.. somehow my spirit was lifted in the day.. then at night went dinner with my sis and played pool also..

now late in the night in front of my computer.. nothing much to do.. starting to think about so many stuffs.. seriously there are so many things on my mind now.. and i dunno how to put them across in words.. nothing much i can say bout the army cauz i might get charged if i said the wrong stuffs..

i dunno leh.. nowadays i'm seriously feeling helpless.. in fact useless liao le.. army has realli changed my life so much so much.. i hardly have time for my family.. needless to say my frends.. i'm seriously feeling guilty.. for not putting in the effort to find time for my parents and frends..

the dinner i wanted to organise failed.. cauz i din have the time to go and ask my frends personally.. onli asked linda to help mi cauz of the field camp.. in the end it failed.. the commitment is seriously too heavy for mi to handle liao le.. and i realli have the feeling that i am drifting away from so many of my frends.. haizZz..

i realli feel so bad that i cannot be there for some of my frends when they needed someone to tok to.. juz a listening ear, i cannot be there.. all i can do is to chat during my book out and i realli can hardly do anything about it cauz the next day i'm back in camp.. haizZz.. i'm seriously lost liao le.. i seriously dunno wat i should do.. i'm juz so helpless.. i'm juz so useless.. haizZz..

guess i will stop here ba.. realli dunno wat to say le.. haizZz.. sianzZz.. think better sleep earlier.. sleep liao jiu no need think about probs liao le.. hahax.. but i guess escapism doesn't solve a problem right??? sianzZz.. flying off..